How to be everyone's favorite Jew

This one is difficult, but not as daunting a task once started. The very first step can be done one of two ways, either be born out of a Jewish mother, or undergo the unnecessarily long process that is conversion. My knowledge is confined to the first option so I recommend it. Once this step is over with, get prepared for a Bar Mitzvah-every official Jew walks around with one of these under their belt. The one year of Hebrew and Jewish ethics study has to begin somewhere, the best place to start would be in your rabbi’s office. You write your sermon, acknowledge the elderly, lead your ‘family’ through a weekend of warship of you, party with your closest friends, and deposit your hard earned profits in the bank and what do you know-you are on the fast lane to being everyone’s favorite Jew. A few more tips that will help you keep this position: take no offense to holocaust jokes, be unnaturally obsessed with money, use Yiddish words, be president of the math club, busy yourself at the temple at least once a week, and always have a backup yamacha in your backpack.