Why the Zombie Apocalypse Would Completely Fail

Before I begin my survival strategy for the zombie "apocalypse", I must first consider the realistic conditions of this event and then create a strategy around these conditions.

One of the greatest fears of the zombie apocalypse is becoming infected. But this is a irrational fear produced by popular culture surrounding zombies. Zombies are said to infect other people through biting or scratching. Want to know what other disease is spread like this? Rabies. Want to know how many people get infected from rabies each year? At most, 3. As it turns out, in the contagion world, biting and scratching are the worst ways to spread a disease because the organism must make physical contact with another organism. Evolution has designed diseases to be spread through other means as well like contaminated food, water, or air in order to ensure the survival of the disease. Biting and scratching are very limited forms of infection that will not spread effectively. But even rabies would spread faster than zombie-disease because rabies leaves most of the intelligence of the infected organism intact. A common feature of the zombie-disease is that the only thought process of the zombie goes something like, "BRAAAAIIIINNNSSSS!" But this thought process will get the disease nowhere since the disease is not taking advantage of our intelligence and not using it to ensure survival. By destroying the organisms basic intelligence, it destroys the organism's ability to make a calculated decision that may avoid certain death or to ensure survival. So when the organism is incapable of figuring out that the speeding car heading towards them is going to kill them, the organism will die, the disease will not be able to harvest from its host, and the disease will die. This destruction of the intelligence system would make the zombie-disease extremely inefficient and lacking in its evolutionary ability to survive.

So if a barely surviving disease like rabies infects only 3 people a year and has a much better infection efficiency than zombie-disease, how does the zombie-disease expect to infect just 2 people, nerve mind causing the end of the world?

But even if a zombie-disease does manage to break out or is able to infect more than 2 people, the disease would still face huge set backs. One of which would be our government. Back in the late 1800s, Mary Mallon was the first person to be an asymptomatic carrier of the typhoid fever meaning that she could spread the disease without it actually effecting her. After infecting nearly 53 people, the U.S government caught on to her affliction and forcibly exiled her to an island by herself for 30 years. And this was all for a disease that makes you sweat and poop a lot. Of the 53 people she infected only 3 died. So if a disease like the zombie-disease comes along and starts infecting people I have full faith that our government would quarantine or terminate these infected people without thinking twice, especially if its a fatal disease with no vaccine or cure. What do you think the Center for Disease Control is? The CDC has a whole slew of plans to prevent a disease like the zombie-disease from reproducing uncontrollably. They even have a plan for the zombie apocalypse . Seriously, look.

But even if the zombie-disease could defy all the laws of evolution and then outwit and out arm the U.S government, the disease would STILL face obstacles. Like I said before, the only thought process of zombies consists of "BRAAAAIIINNNSSS!" and "BBRRRRAAAIIINNSS!" so they have almost no capability to recognize and handle situations. This includes exposure. On the zombies quest for brains and more brains, it will not take into consideration the weather or its basic health, and why should it? It's a zombie why should it care? Well, unfortunately for Mr. Zombie it will be a matter of life or death. When we put on our clothes in the morning, we think about what the weather will be like later. If it will be hot then you'll wear shorts, but if it will be cold then you'll wear a jacket. But the zombie does not think of this so when winter or summer rolls around the zombies will be left completely exposed. They will either freeze to death, or there bodies will dehydrate and shrivel up into lumps of bones. Natural disasters would decimate them. While we hide in the bunkers and basements, the zombies will stumble into the fierce tornado or fall into an earthquake. One such disaster would destroy these brainless idiotic zombies and put an end to their "rampage". And even if they somehow survived a natural disaster, they would surely break a few bones which would make them unable to maneuver properly to catch brains and would mean their death. And even if they miraculously survived with only a few scratches, you must consider the other incidents that would mean their untimely death. When we fall and scrap ourselves, we wash the wound and put a bandaid on it. But a zombie would not recognize the wound and would ignore it which would most likely lead to another infection that could kill the zombie. A few more stumbles and falls would mean even more scratches and scraps for the zombie and would create a breeding ground for bacteria. This means that even simple exposure would make the zombie-disease a complete failure.

So after considering how the zombie-disease would be a complete failure and would be unable to have an effective infection rate, use its host's intelligence effectively, outsmart the U.S government, survive simple weather, or take care of its basic safety, I have come up with a survival strategy. My strategy would probably include taking a 3 hour nap or maybe watching a movie. This "zombie apocalypse" isn't going to last long at all. At most, I'd give the zombie infection 4 hours when considering all that it must go up against just to barely accomplish its evolutionary goals. So don't fret about this zombie thing, just sit back and laugh at the stupid zombie outside your window trying to climb a tree with four broken limbs just to catch a squirrel.