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One thing I tend to carry with me wherever I go is a positive attitude. Let’s face it: life kind of sucks. So I need to keep the best outlook I can in order to prevent the Universe, which is perpetually out to get me specifically, from having its fun. When bad things happen to me I smile and turn the other cheek. In this way the powers that be derive no pleasure from my pain and I in some way win. I’m completely kidding about that, but it seriously is helpful to try to stay in a good frame of mind. If you hadn’t noticed, another thing I carry with me at all times is my sense of humor, which has been described by Time Magazine as “as awful, tasteless, and trite as a Nicholas Cage movie” (not an actual quote from Time Magazine). This again helps me to persevere through the blank and somewhat dull expanse of life while at the same time (I hope) making life more enjoyable for other people. My bizarre sense of humor also acts as somewhat of a defense mechanism, repelling potential mates, which could potentially give me diseases if I came into contact with them. And because I carry these two things with me always my life will always be interesting and I will always be optimistic and alone. Again, I’m kidding about that last part. Gotcha! So that tear you just started to cry for me should now become a tear of self-righteous anger rather than one of pity.