How to Piss Off Your Girlfriend

(This piece was done just for fun. In no way am I supporting what is written and am not held responsible for any cranky girlfriends.)

Girlfriends. They’re great. But I don’t have to tell you that, you should already know. We all know how hard it is to please them. You always have to say what they want us to say or do what they want us to do. Well, it’s time that we finally stood up for all the men around the world. It’s time to tell your girlfriend that those pants do make her butt look big. I’m going to teach you…how to piss off your girlfriend.

Let’s start off with appearance, probably the number one way to tick off your girlfriend. We will focus on the 3 main points:

· Hair

· Clothes

· Hygiene

A girl’s hair could possibly be the most important thing that she cares about. If you really want to tick your girlfriend off you should probably want to start off with her hair. Its school picture day and your girlfriend spent three hours doing her hair. Although she won’t say it, she is dying for you to compliment her hair. Maybe a, “Your hair looks pretty today” or a “Your hair looks nice” would do. An amateur wouldn’t say anything. Yeah, that might make her a little angry, but if you really want to get at her try something like this, “It’s picture day! Are you really going to take a picture like that?!” If you want a guaranteed slap in the face you could try, “Medusa, don’t tell me you thought afro day was today?!” So when you want to piss off your girlfriend just remember that, “All is hair in love and war.”

Almost every girl tries to keep up with the latest fashion. They go out, buy tons of clothes, and sometimes only wear them once! All for the sake of looking good. Another way to push a girl’s button is to target their clothes. When you do, you can assure yourself that they won’t be wearing that outfit again and you’ll be placed on their ignore list. Just give a girl a nice compliment and they’ll flutter. But this isn’t a “how to” to get on your girlfriend’s good side. You’re reading this because you want your girlfriend to tick. Here are a couple things you should say. You see your girlfriend in the hallway wearing a shirt you have never seen before. Walk up to her and say, “I love your shirt! My grandma has one just like it!” There is now a 99.9% chance of seeing the shirt in a trashcan by the end of the day.

Hygiene is a very important part of most people’s lives. Your girlfriend could be a slob that doesn’t care about brushing her teeth, wearing deodorant, or taking a shower. Or your girlfriend could be one of those people who unintentionally gets their salad stuck in their teeth. We want to take full advantage of this situation. How could we do this you ask? Well, when you are talking to her you could snicker every few seconds then stop whenever she asks you what you are laughing at. Maybe when she is talking to all her friends you could come over and make a comment about what such a messy eater she is. Whatever you choose make sure that it is creative and thought out.

I’ve just gave you only a few ideas of ways to get into some big time trouble with your significant other. I must warn you that these ideas could light your girlfriends fuse causing nothing short than a catastrophic explosion. But for those who seriously want to piss off their girlfriend, here is a little poem:

When you want to make your girlfriend tick,

Take away her cake and offer her a carrot stick.

When you want to make that girl’s heart stop,

Say, “You’ve been letting yourself go, is that a muffin top?”

But if you say these things to your special one,

Hope you’ve lived your life because it’s probably done.