How to Water-ski

You will seldom ever encounter an activity as fundamentally enjoyable and uniquely thrilling as water-skiing. While the experience of rushing across the water on a pair of skis may seem alien and elusive, it is incredibly easy to do. I personally assure that afforded the following directions and any modicum of physical coordination and mental determination, you will soon be skiing before you know it.

1.      Be Confident: As with any endeavor it is imperative you pursue skiing with eagerness and confidence. Naturally it may seem impossible for you to stand on the water. But it truly isn’t. I’ve been skiing since I was a kid. And in my time skiing I have taught dozens and dozens of people, from four to forty, of all sizes, sexes, and shapes, how to ski. It is much easier than you think it is. Just smile, and enjoy yourself.

2.      Preparation: Before you get in the water, make sure, for safety, you are wearing a life-jacket. Next, with the help of a person on the boat, put on the skis as you sit on the swim-platform located at the rear of the boat. Skis are not foot specific, so it doesn’t matter which one you put on your right or left foot. Most bindings on skis are adjustable. So adjust them to a size that fits somewhat snugly. You know what they say about skiers with big feet? They have big bindings. If you have trouble putting them on, don’t get frustrated. Just wet them in the lake as to utilize nature’s lubrication.

3.      Getting in the Water: With the skis on, slide off the swim platform of the boat. Now you are floating. Do not worry if you feel as awkward as a Turk in a room full of Armenians. The buoyancy of the ski always feels foreign to every new skier. Do not be alarmed if they float in bizarre directions, or if you spin around in a strange way. Just relax, lean back, and allow the skis to surface. Do not fight them. That will only make you tired. So now, as you lay on your back in the water with your skis in front pointing towards the back of the boat, grab ahold of the ski rope. Soon, the driver of the boat will see you are ready and will idle slowly as to bring the handle to you. Just let rope pass through your hand, and wait. This is a wonderful time to check out all the eye-candy on the lake.

4.      The Wedge: This is the most important step. But also the easiest. Once you reach the handle of the rope, the boat will momentarily stop moving as to allow you to get into the position of the wedge. First, grab the handle with both hands in an over-handed fashion. Next, bring your knees as tightly up to your chest as possible and wrap your arms around them—just as if you were performing a cannonball. Point the skis at about a forty-five degree angle (Pi-fourths radians), and have them straddling the ski rope. Have the tips of both be about a foot out of the water. Keep the skis apart by no more than a foot. Have most of your weight leaning back. This position is the wedge. The wedge is your friend. If you can stay in the wedge, you can ski. Getting up to ski is essentially as simple as doing a cannonball. I will repeat this again. Stay in the wedge. And once more: stay in the wedge. For if I were in the boat with you, I would yell it to you a hundred times. It is truly this simple. If you do nothing but remain in the wedge, you will ski. Now, I am positive your first time in the wedge you will waddle and lean to either side in a real disconcerting manor. But yet again, I urge you not to fight it. Just as new drivers over-correct steering and braking, so do new skiers over-correct wobbling as to further destabilize themselves. Just keep your hands on the handle, and don’t worry.

5.      Stay in the Wedge: Now, the boat driver will take off when you tell him to go. Make sure you are securely in the wedge such that your arms are wrapped around your knees, and your knees are up to your chest. Tell the driver to go.

6.      Stay in the Wedge Even More: As the boat driver is taking off do not do anything—except remain in the wedge holding on to the handle. And do nothing more, namely standing up too early, or tugging on the handle, seeing as either of these will result in you falling (which is not in any way shape or form painful or scary). If you tug on the rope, slack will get into the line. And you will fall backwards. If you stand up too quickly, you lose your center of gravity, and you will most likely fall forward.

7.      No One is Perfect: Never have I seen a person ski on their first try. Or even their second. Consistently people fail to stay in the wedge. Yet, if you don’t at first succeed, try again. And don’t become frustrated. I didn’t learn my first day, but now I am the best skier on my lake. And remember if you try too many times in one day, a half-dozen perhaps, you’ll be too tired to succeed, no matter how good of shape you are in. Take a break. And rest. And I am sure you will come back and be better than ever.

8.      You’re on the Water: It’ll all be a blur—like the night of a girl who didn’t watch her drink so carefully at the bar. But if you stay in the wedge, you will be on the water and skiing. For a while maintain that crouched and low position. Yet very gradually, begin to stand upright. Straighten your knees some, but not all the way. Keep your butt low and behind you. And when you stand, do not tug on the rope. Once you are standing. Relax. I cannot express how fulfilling this moment is. Or the limitless fun you have waiting ahead of you. Congratulations. You are now an official skier.